From Bloomberg:
Whenever we achieve a new milestone—whether it’s landing a major client, winning a promotion, or beating sales targets—we’d love to think our colleagues would cheer and support us. But it doesn’t always work out that way. As your successes build up, you may begin to sense that a colleague—even one who was once a friend—is starting to feel jealous or resentful of you.
It’s an uncomfortable situation, which most of us hope it’s a misunderstanding or will simply go away over time. But unfortunately, it’s more common that others’ jealousy and resentment will only compound as you notch further career milestones. As executive coaches and speakers on workplace issues, we’ve seen many successful professionals hobbled by challenges with coworkers who’d like to bring them down a notch. Here are five steps to take action when you feel that a colleague is beginning to feel threatened by your success.
It’s possible your colleague is feeling resentful—but it’s also possible you misinterpreted a comment or that they were having a bad day. Before making assumptions about their state of mind, it’s worth asking yourself:
If you’ve seen repeated evidence of hostility or passive-aggressiveness over time, it’s likely they’re actually feeling threatened by you and it’s not your imagination.
Once you’ve concluded that there really is a problem, the natural impulse might be to avoid them so as to avoid the conflict. But that’s the wrong move. Approaching them directly and thoughtfully can help identify miscommunication that might eliminate the problem entirely. For instance, your colleague may have made an incorrect assumption about you and your motives (for example, “You got that promotion because Brad’s team needed help and you let him fail”). Or a third party might actually be feeding them negative information about you.
You can ask them: “I’ve noticed lately that when I speak in meetings, you’re often taking the opposing view. Can you tell me more about that, or is there something going on?” This gives them the opportunity to ask questions or air any perceived grievances.
Alternatively, if there’s a recent success that seems to have triggered the problem, you might talk to them directly about it. “I know you also wanted the promotion,” you might say, “and if I were in your shoes, it might be difficult for me. I just wanted to check in with you about that.”
A gracious strategy is to think about ways you can help your colleague. They’re far less likely to feel resentful if they’re also on the path to success, and you’re helping them get there. For instance, you might offer to help them land big projects, mentor them through the process so that they are successful, sponsor them for opportunities, and help them get noticed for future promotions.
It’s useful to think through your relative organizational status, as compared to your colleague. Which of you is more senior? Do you need them to meet your professional needs either now or in the future? Which of you is better networked inside the organization?
If you’re in the “power position,” you may be able to relax about your colleague, as there’s frequent jealousy aimed up the corporate ladder, and others are unlikely to take it seriously. But if a more powerful colleague has taken a dislike to you, it may have serious consequences for your future at the organization.
Furthermore, consider if you have shared or competing goals. Can you both get what you want? Or does one person need to lose for another to win? You’ll want to create an inventory of potential ways they could seek to harm you (for instance, speaking up against you when it’s time for promotions, or keeping you off an influential committee) and develop strategies to mitigate against those risks. And you’ll likely need to take further direct action, whether it’s speaking to them again, or possibly raising the issue with their boss.
There are people in your circle of trust who have always had your back and are excited for you when you succeed. In fact, they might have had an influential role by supporting you either publicly or privately. They amplify your work in front of others, encourage you when you need some cheerleading, and push you outside of your comfort zone so that you can learn and grow. These are the people whose support you’ll need if a colleague who feels threatened by you starts to make trouble.
But in reviewing your allies, it’s also worth asking: Have you noticed any changes in their actions toward you? Have they stopped returning your calls or texts? Are they avoiding opportunities to interact? Perhaps they’re no longer swinging by your office for a quick chat or they’re only reaching out to you when they need something? Did they suddenly unfriend you on social media or stop engaging with your posts?
Everyone has busy periods, but if someone has started avoiding you on an ongoing basis, it’s likely a sign that you can no longer count on them, perhaps because they’re jealous themselves, or because their impression of you has been compromised by someone else who is.
You’ve tried to address the situation directly and turn around negative dynamics. But despite your best efforts, some individuals cannot move past their envy. They cling to a misguided, zero-sum mindset–the belief that for one person to succeed, everyone else must fail, or at least, stay stagnant.
When this is the case, recognize that no amount of effort on your part will change their erroneous perspective. At this point, it becomes essential for your own well-being to distance yourself. Such negative people will find fault with everyone else who succeeds, so it is best not to be affiliated with them.
Cut the cord elegantly, but firmly. Remain cordial and professional in necessary professional interaction, but don’t exert additional energy to try and include or help someone who is likely to resent you (at best) or backstab you (at worst). Your attention is better utilized fostering relationships with colleagues who align with your newfound success and contribute to a healthy and collaborative environment. You can never control how others perceive your success, but you can control how much influence you are willing to let their negativity impact your life. Generally speaking, those at the bottom compete, while those at the top collaborate. Choose wisely.
It’s discomforting when a colleague starts to feel resentful of your accomplishments. But by following the strategies above, you can make every attempt to turn them around and get them on your side—or to limit the damage they can do to your professional aspirations.